November 24, 2005

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

How do I become a Dumbass-Biker for my first Rally ,as opposed to those Bikers who've been around for years and always look so cool?

Well, It's really quite easy if you follow my 10 easy steps to being an asshole.

1. Get yourself an old Denim wastecoat(Jackets without sleeves). Alternatively get a Denim jacket and cut the sleeves off. About R50 from your local Station flea market.
Throw it around in the dirt and stomp on it, so it looks used. Some okes piss on it. That's olraait, do it for that 'extra touch'. Chicks smaak the animal smell anyway.

2. Get a big Honda cloth badge, and stitch it on the back of your new jacket. Make sure you stitch it by hand and that it sits a bit skeef.

3. Dig into your father(pa)/uncle(oom)/grandfather's(oupa) old army trunk, and find some old army badges and attach them to the front-left and right of your jacket. You can also buy some cloth badges at the non-biker stalls at rallies with some lekker fuck-you statements embroided on them. Like ; Praat Afrikaans of Vokkof! - Bikers eat their young - 100% BITCH etc, etc,..

4. Buy overpriced t-shirts at the same stalls with fuck-you statements on the front. Tear some holes in them and smear grease or dirt on them.
Don't buy expensive, 100% cotton t-shirts, with once off logos. These will make you stand out and look too different.

5. Borrow the old HONDA XL 125 from your grandfather's farm, or standing in the backyard. Take out the Baffle(not the Dof-look, but the insides of the exhaust), and give it a lekker spray job. You can buy spray cans from your local Hardware store. The coolest colours are mostly Purple, Pink or lekker dayglo Green or Yellow. Don't spray it dark colours like Black, Blue or heaven forbid Ducati-Red. That looks way-too-cool, and people will be standing around admiring your bike the whole day.

6. The next step is gonna be your most expensive, and you should choose carefully. Go to the Oriental Plaza in Jo'burg, or any Indian or Chinese Clothing warehouse. Buy yourself those lekker biker jackets made from Genuine Immitation Leather. They have some nice Bike-racing decals on already. Remember to choose the ones with the brightest colours. You could even match it to the colour of your bike. It's gonna set you back about R200.00, but if you do some wheeling and dealing you could bring it down to about R125.00 or so.
You're almost ready

7. Go to your local Pawn shop and pick up a lekker helmet. They go for about R30 to R70. They're just as safe as the expensive ones. Spray the helmet the same colour as your bike. If you really wanna make a statement, put a dayglo Mohican hairstyle thing on the helmet. That's really gonna pull the chicks.

8. Now, go to your first Rally (The Rhino and Impala are very popular with okes who think the same way you do). Remember to bitch and moan about the high entrance fee. I mean R150.00 for the whole weekend is a bloody rip-off.

9. Find a lekker spot, preferably as close as possible to someone else's tent, and set up camp. I almost forgot.. you must remember to swear as much as possible, all the time. Otherwise no one's gonna take you seriously.

Now comes the easiest part.

10. Drink as much as possible, in fact, drink more than you think you can handle. Then ride your bike up and down the whole weekend, and cause kak with everyone you see. Once some oke stands his ground and fucks you up silly, you'll know you've arrived in the world of biking. Then you can go home on Sunday, and only have to come back to the same Rally again next year.

So maklik soos meid-naai.
Good luck